I graduated high school last June. Feeling dissatisfied, unfulfilled, empty really. With all my friends still at school, I got bored. Because I couldn’t find a job I spent weeks in bed doing hardly anything. It was probably the most monotomous and dull summer ever. As September arrived I saw my friends and old classmates go back to school and start college whilst I was still at home because I had not picked a study due to insecurities. Luckily I quickly found a job and started studying two subjects (chemistry and biology) on the side.
Things got out of hand. I found myself working two jobs in total of 40 hours a week. I was constantly tired. Gave up working out. Went from eating healthy to eating worse and eating less. I felt empty, lonely, cried at least once every day. It’s something I can’t describe. It’s like my body can’t speak and my mouth can’t explain how I feel. I wasn’t afraid of death; I was afraid of an unlived life. And it was on my mind all the goddamn time. So, here I was. Too foreign for home. Too foreign for my body. Never good enough for both. Starting November, I decided to book a spontaneous trip to Austria to visit Lara and I am so glad I did. Even though it lasted only three days, that trip did me good. The following weeks were easier and my depressed mood felt like it almost faded. I am so thankful for my lovely boyfriend who dragged me through everything. He truly is the best. It is now December and almost Christmas time. Work is quiet so I have a lot of spare time. It’s a good thing because I get to work on myself again. I might have found the study for me which takes away so much stress actually. Finally, I am doing things again; I read books, painted, discovered good music. I started experimenting with editing photos and I created this little website. But something inside me is still wandering. “If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would it be?” It sounds cliché, I know. But I need to get out of here. You know suburbia? Suburban life, little house, taking the kids to soccer practice, working a 9-till-5 job and living towards the music. I don’t want to live forwards to a life in suburbia. I can imagine myself settling down eventually but not yet. You see it everywhere; people travelling. Experiencing new cultures and nature. Oh god, that is what I need. I need waves. I need waterfalls. I want rushing currents. I need mountains. I need forests. I want to be completely and utterly at peace. I’m about to dive into student loans and a planned future because I feel like I have to and it’s so hard. My heart is so tired. Let me tell you that I was actually planning to study nutrition and maybe eventually head to naturopathy, something that I am still very interested in nonetheless. I thought that that was going to become my future but I recently found out that it doesn’t have to be. In the course of a month I decided to throw my life around and I signed up for a study including photography and film. Because if I could do anything I wanted right now, it would be capturing our planet and its beauty. Because "What bird after seeing what the world has to offer would be content with a cage?" And I figured what the hell, let’s make it real. I have made it my goal in life. I know it sounds risky. Even when you have doubts, you need to take that step. Take chances. Mistakes are never a failure – they can be turned into wisdom. I don’t want to wait and wait and wait for it to never even happen. Because if we wait for the moment when everything is ready it shall never begin. I don’t want to sit behind a desk and study every day and night because I would never gain knowledge. Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all. This would be the point where I would tell you the rest of my plan. But the truth is I don’t have one. “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Love, Lara
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Lara StrollsMy name is Lara van den Bungelaar, a young woman from the Netherlands. |